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It’s My Fault

It’s been awhile. 

Holding things in really isn’t working anymore. 

If I don’t get it all out I feel I am going to explode!

So much has changed. 

I don’t know what to do, or how to feel. 

What am I supposed to do with myself after having lost everything? 

It’s my own fault. 

I have pushed everyone away. 

Ruined every relationship I have ever cared about.

I think it’s because I expect way too much from people. 

It’s not fair to expect someone to care enough to ask how I am doing every once in a while. 

I would go above and beyond for my friends, how dare I think that one just might turn around and just once do the same for me. 

It’s not fair to think that your best friend would share things with you. 

I mean friends are just there to show you have a social life right?

It’s not fair to trust a friend to remember you after you move.

Maybe I just have separation issues.

I mean it makes sense. 

Who would hold on to someone who moved away?

I don’t think that choosing friends before boyfriends is always the best decision.

In doing that it will tear you apart from one or the other.

In this case I was wrong to follow this “social rule.”

Like I said, it’s my own fault I ruin every relationship I have ever cared about. 

I have no one here and no one there, so why should I expect to have anyone?

Maybe now, having no one will keep me from hurting anyone.

So it’s my own fault that I am alone. 

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “once you make a decision, the entire universe conspires to make it happen.”

I don’t even know where to begin with all the decisions I have made in the last year. Each and every choice I have made has had some sort of long term effect on my life. Granted things cannot be changed once the choice has been made, all we can do is make the best out of what we have.

The question I have been asking myself over and over again is did I make the right choice? If I choose this, then will this happen? Some of the choices I have made have not been the right ones. They have led me to a place in my life that I really do not want to be in. I have been making choices with my head and not with my heart. I tend to over-think things all of the time which has led to disappointment, sadness, and even depression. I let the choices I make with my head dictate who I am going to be.

When I look in the mirror the person staring back at me is someone who I NEVER wanted to be. I do my best to put on a happy face and hide how I am truly feeling. Thoughts like if people really knew who I was then they wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me fill my mind.

My life has never been extremely easy. There is a very significant amount of pain that I have endured. I have had a lot of things thrown at me and I have had a lot of things handed to me. I have always had to work for what I wanted but was blessed people who wanted to help me.

Not everything in my life is bad. Along with the bad choices I have made, I believe that I have made some really good choices as well. Through my struggles I have chosen to give my problems to God. They are in his hands and he is there for me through everything that happens in my life. My life is not my own, everything that happens to me is according to God’s great plan for my life. I am human so I do have a hard time letting go of the struggles that seem impossible to let go of. I am working on that; everything will happen in its own time.

Right now, however, is a time of conflict. I am surrounded by guilt and the feeling of not being good enough. I feel like I am completely useless. I feel like no one on this earth needs me, that I am not worth anything. I want to say that everything is ok but that would just be a lie. Though I can honestly say this, I am working through my feelings and problems. I am on the mend, but the only one that can fix me is the one that has broken me in the first place. My God is a jealous God and I have put other things and people before him. Every thing, every feeling that I have gone through and felt is because of him. He is doing everything he can to get my attention, and it is beginning to work. 


Now a soft beating heart.

ba-bum. ba-bum.

Heart beats faster.

ba-bum. ba-bum. ba-bum.

Faster still the heart beats.


A sudden stop.



Is it weird that I miss being in school with my college friends more than being home during summer? 

Day One

My name is Aislyn. I live in Texas and go to college at Oklahoma Christian University; I am studying to be a second grade teacher. I have an amazing family! I love my brother and sisters Levi, Maddie, and Elyssa. I really enjoy summer but I am so ready to get back to school. I am working as a hostess/server at a little mexican restaurant and for the most part I really like working there. I don’t really do much other than work for right now, so life is kind of boring. I spend most of my free time watching movies, taking naps, swimming, and laying out by the pool. Well that pretty much sums my life for now. 

10 Days

1. Introduce yourself. Write a long about me.
2. Your current relationship status in great detail
3. A photo and description of your best friend
4. Lyrics that are relevant to how you’re feeling right now
5. The last time you were really angry and why
6. How your life was different this time last year
7. Something that’s been bugging you
7. Someone/time that you miss
8. Write about trust. Do you trust easily? Do others trust you? What do you do if someone breaks your trust? 
9. What is your stance on religion? Would you affiliate yourself with any?
10. What is your most memorable dream or nightmare?

Lately I have been looking through all of my old pictures and it has definitely brought back some great memories. It is times like these that I wish I could go back in time and re-live all that happened like: fun times at church, mission trips, basketball games, birthdays, freshman, sophmore, junior, senior year, prom, graduation, and my first year of college. All these thihgs make up a special part of my life; I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything in the world. However it is impossible to go back and re-live these things. It is time to move on, and make new memories. However being thrown out there into the world and starting a new life with new freedom’s comes with a consequence. I am no longer a part of the high school world, I am a college student and I need to accept that. It is the next generations turn to make new memories and be the leaders of the youth group. I have to step back and find a new place; its time for me to make new memories as an ADULT.